Aug 25, 2020
Some ways of dealing with breadwinner guilt are to find what charges you back up and do it. Let go of perfectionism and give yourself grace.
For a complete transcript check out our show notes for episode 23 on smallbizmama.com
Topics
• Despite the balancing acts working women must perform and the
pervasive gender pay gap, an NBC News-Wall Street Journal poll
suggests that 49% of U.S. working women serve as their family's
main breadwinner.
• This number includes an estimated 42% of working women with
children. Among women married to, or cohabiting with, a male
partner, researchers say 31% are earning at least half of their
household income.
• In research on the female breadwinner, Meisenbach (2010) found
that many of these women felt enormous guilt and resentment.
• It would also appear that the gender socialization of women as
nurturers and primary caregivers is enduring and instilling an
embedded standard that women themselves want to uphold (April and
Mooketsi, 2010). Consequently, women are under significant pressure
when they attempt to put their emotional needs and personal
fulfillment (joy and subjective wellbeing— instinctually
individual) above their idealistic responsibilities and beliefs
• These sometimes unreasonable, stressful and fear-driven societal
and cultural expectations induce differential self-views and can be
fertile grounds for reoccurring guilt and shame (Thomson and
Walker, 1989; and Lewis, 1992), exacerbated by feelings of
inferiority, exhaustion, confusion, fearfulness, and anger (Douglas
and Michaels, 2004)
• As the model of the female breadwinner grew, so the growth of the
‘house husband’ arose— husbands who are actively engaged in a role
reversal with their wives (Wentworth and Chell, 2001). It has been
argued that the breadwinner role validates a man’s masculinity
(Lewis and Cooper, 1987) and that men who cannot fulfill the
breadwinner role are not fully adult or not fully masculine
(Meisenbach, 2010)—thus, seen as having their sexuality questioned.
As such, another essential part of a female breadwinner’s
experience is skillfully managing the male’s identity by valuing
his household contribution.
• When it comes to family-life satisfaction, women who earn more
than their husbands report lower satisfaction than their peers who
have a lower income than their spouses, according to a new
Institute for Family Studies/Wheatley Institution survey of U.S.
adults ages 18 to 50.
• On other measures, including marital satisfaction and whether the
couple feels close and engaged in the relationship, female
breadwinners also score lower than their peers who earn less than
their husbands.
• The culprit here may be traditional gender norms. The idea that
men should take the lead in breadwinning and women in caring for
children and the home still affects men and women today, and a
violation of this norm could make some couples uncomfortable with
their arrangement
• When it comes to childcare responsibilities, married mothers who
are the primary breadwinner in the house are also much more likely
than fathers in the same role to take a lead in the childcare
responsibilities (37% vs. 7%). So, when wives are the primary
breadwinners, they are still much more likely to assume a
disproportionate share of housework and childcare. This is an
example of the classic “second shift” that sociologist Arlie
Hochschild pointed to in her book. It is easy to see why these
overworked breadwinner wives and mothers may not be as happy as
others.
Tips to help with Breadwinner Guilt:
1. Stay Focused, Say No:
a. We're all guilty of not spending time in the moment. When we're
working, we're often thinking of all the things we should, could
and would do with our family this weekend. At home, we let work and
"real life" project task lists run through our heads. By doing so,
we're not maximizing our time spent in either camp.
b. Obvious, but the basic rule: Work when you're at work; let it go
when you're at home.
2. Blur Gender Roles:
a. Whether we agree with it or not, eyebrows often rise when the
man is not the family provider, and watch out if he decides to stay
home with the kids. Gender roles, expectations that wives stay home
to care for families, and our own egos can sometimes combine to
create relationship tension, resentment, and stress.
b. Reducing the stigma of gender roles, even just within your
household would ultimately help reduce the stress and resentment
one feels when comparing their work and home situation to the
societal gender norms our society and culture have ingrained in
us.
• A recent study suggests that how couples divide their household
tasks is linked to their relationship satisfaction. And an earlier
Pew Research survey found that “sharing household chores” is ranked
as one of the top three factors associated with a successful
marriage.
• The key, as always, is communication. Be upfront, discuss budding
resentments early before they fester and grow. Divide
responsibilities so that no one is unfairly burdened. Don’t take on
everything yourself and be a martyr, blaming him for everything
that may go wrong. The goal is to stop being “me” and “he” and be a
“we.”
For the complete show, notes go to small biz
mama.com**************************
https://www.smallbizmama.com/episode-23-dealing-with-breadwinner-guilt/
Mentions
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https://www.envestnetinstitute.com/article/burdens-executives-feel-primary-breadwinners
https://www.academia.edu/40978632/Female_Breadwinners_Resultant_Feelings_of_Guilt_and_Shame
https://ifstudies.org/blog/the-happiness-penalty-for-breadwinning-moms
https://lifestyle.howstuffworks.com/family/parenting/parenting-tips/5-things-to-know-when-moms-the-breadwinner5.htm
https://ifstudies.org/blog/the-happiness-penalty-for-breadwinning-moms
https://www.workingmomsagainstguilt.com/now-we-have-to-deal-with-breadwinner-guilt/